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Kristine

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(no subject) [Apr. 30th, 2010|11:42 pm]
Kristine
[mood |crushedcrushed]

why am i updating this? I don't know... i think i just need to vent and not have to hear what anyone has to say..

3 years ago i never would have thought i would have been through everything I have... i've seen more things in the past 2 and 1/2 years that most people will see in their entire life, am i bitter for that? yes I am... i just want to live and be happy, but every where i turn something else happens, something ends, something it's always something. Jen and Ant are splitting up, and Ant moving to FL.... Jen wants it not him and it's really hard because I do see him as my brother, hes been here through it all, and it hurts me how easy jen forgets that. I had to say good bye to him tonight and it just killed me... i'm sick of all the heart break... can't something good happen for once? I just can't take it anymore... it's not fair it's not right... i never even finished getting over my mom dying... and these things just keep happening and it's just impossible to express or explain.... i just keep going through each day.... and its getting harder and harder.... i can focus on anything my mind is everywhere... i just want to pick up and move and start over.... being here.... seeing the constant reminders from the past 2 and 1/2 years kill me each day... and yet it feels like it all happened yesterday... theres just been too much, too much bad stuff has been going on and i can't take it anymore..... i just want my mom back.... anything else is joke to go through compared to losing her................lifes just impossible.
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(no subject) [Nov. 14th, 2009|09:57 pm]
Kristine
[mood |worriedworried]

I really don't know what to do anymore...

I dont know how to help

I don't know what to say

I just pray for the day I won't feel like this anymore, and everyone is happy again, and I can go back to having a normal life... I am missing the "best years of my life" and no one helps.... they say they will but never do... it's all on me

I dont get it

I just need a break
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(no subject) [Oct. 17th, 2009|06:42 pm]
Kristine
[mood |depresseddepressed]

would love to know what it feels like to not have to worry about anything :( i can't take it anymore, i want my mom back :( 
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(no subject) [Aug. 17th, 2009|08:10 pm]
Kristine
[mood |blahblah]

people will never understand... my life just isn't the same anymore.... i've accepted it... why cant you? esp. when it's not happening to you... let it goooooo leave me aloneeee i have enough on my mind without having to worry about pleasing everyonee
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(no subject) [Aug. 7th, 2008|10:13 pm]
Kristine
[mood |nostalgicnostalgic]

 This song totally describes my life right now and i'm obessed...

I just heard the world is breaking down into bits again 
tell me what am I to do 
and you just want me to stay here 
so im just gonna stay here 

Home the last resort 
Build a castle with an iron door 
Lock the window 
Pull the shades 
The hazed out sun wont help anyway 
If the world is crumbling down 
I dont want to be alone No 
Locked up in this place 

I heard the world up late night holding my breath tight 
Trying to keep my head on right 
Theres a chill in the air 
Nobody could care 
How youre caught up in the fight of your life 

Fear is holding me here 
with television got me seein unclear 
Bravery my neighbor moved away 
Cause I dont need to be courageous today 
If the world is crumbling down 
I dont wanna be alone 
No Locked Up in this place 

I heard the world up late night holding my breath tight 
Trying to keep my head on right 
Theres a chill in the air 
Nobody could care 
How youre caught up in the fight of your life 

Nothings gonna save me 
I'm hanging from the nearest string 
Nothings gonna save me 
I'm hanging from the nearest string 

I heard the world up late night holding my breath tight 
Trying to keep my head on right 
Theres a chill in the air 
Nobody could care 
How youre caught up in the fight of your life 













Missing you Mom, Always and Forever <33333
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(no subject) [Jun. 9th, 2008|11:33 pm]
Kristine
[mood |depressedlost]

i used to think i had life all figured out.... i knew where i was, who i was, and where i wanted to go and how to get there.... but my life stopped when my mom died.... i dont know anything anymore, i have no idea who i am, i dont know where i want to be, and i have no idea how to get anywhere.... i go on each day and act like nothing happened, but it did and thats a reality, it's my reality.... i was laying in bed and kept playing those last 2 days in my head.... and all the signs where there that she was having a heart attack... and what did i do?  nothing... i watched her do everything and didn't even help her... i even made her take me to the dr. on the last day of her life.... and i feel so gulity because she was the only  one that needed to be at the dr, not me and we were right there, i wish she would have said something.... i keep hearing jessica screaming for me... my mom's alarming going off... the 911 operators voice... my dad's voice when i told him.... the way jen screamed when i told her... i hear the beeping of the phone being off the hook....i can still see her every where i go....every time i close my eyes.... i can see the cop running up the stairs.... the way she was.... the way we all watched by helplessly.... i can see the medical examiner sitting at the kitchen table asking us questions... the crime scene people taking pictures of my house and mom.... no one could ever understand what we have been though the past 4 and 1/2 months..... she was everything, she was the glue that held my family together.... that held me together.... i've tired so hard to be so strong.... but everything i just broke.... and i can't deal anymore... i'm not happy and i can't keep acting like i am.... every day has only gotten harder and i miss her more and more...she was my mom and my best friend.... not too many people could say that about their mom... she was always there for me.... and now when i need her more than ever it's hard to except that she's gone.'

i really can't hear about peoples pety problems anymore... i have enough to worry about... i'm still trying to figure out how to balance my own life without worrying about everyone else... i need to stop, bc i always drop everything for everyone and like my mom ALWAYS told me "krissy where are they when you need them?" and she was always right and i knew that... people who say they are my friend are usually only my friend when it's to their benifit.... once they are gone or doing their own thing... its quickly how fast they can forget... i dont even feel like going out anymore... i'm tired of running.... everytime i sit down i just pass out... and i wanna do it sleep because as silly as it sounds.... when my sleeping i have more of a chance of seeing my mom then when i'm awake

this whole thing has always been my biggest fear... losing someone i love... well what do you do when your biggest fear happens?  i guess i shouldn't be afaid of anything anymore... right?  well, then why have i never been so afaid in my life?


i'm not sure why i'm even writing in this thing... i guess i just figured it helped me through a really bad part of my life before... maybe it will help me a litle now... who knows

i gotta try to get some sleep nite...
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(no subject) [Jun. 3rd, 2008|10:10 am]
Kristine
[mood |depresseddepressed]

 so how do i answer, "How are you doing".... "is everything okay?".... "how are you handling everything?"

Well i can't, because i'm not doing, nothing is okay, and i can't handle anything else.

Sometimes, i really think my mom was the only person who really got me, i mean of course my friends get me, but i think she was the only person who really "got me".... i still wake up everyday and can't believe shes really "gone".... it's so hard... because everywhere i look, i can see her standing there.... i know the expressions she would make to every situation, what she would say, how she would have said it.... and that hurts the most.

I'm just so confused, and lost with everything i do.... I feel like some people have come in and out of my life right now for the wrong reasons.  My mom dying shouldnt be a reason why i start talking to people again... it just sucks 

I'm trying so hard to act like everything is just wonderful, well guess what? it's not

everything just sucks, and i'm def. sick of some people and how selfish they can be.....
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(no subject) [Apr. 9th, 2008|09:28 pm]
Kristine
[mood |crushedcrushed]
[music |goodbye \- celine dion]

i dont even know why i'm updating this thing.... im just trying so hard to act like everything is fine and normal because i know how it is, people get sick of being around someone who is upset or talkin about the same thing all the time.... and i'm trying to hard to be happy.... but i'm the farest thing from being happy... i really dont think i'll ever be truely happy again, and i really dont want to hear that my "mom would want me to be happy" no your wrong, my mom would want to be here.... not many people could even begin to understand the relationship i had with my mom, she wasnt a mom to me, she was so much more, she was my best friend, the only person who would still loved me for me... no matter how bad things got or how badly i messed up.... she was there telling me everything would be fine and that "better days are coming kris you'll see"....if i was upset or needed advice... .she was there telling me what i had to do to feel better, and i always told her she was wrong but she was always right and she knew it and would laugh at me later.... but i never have needed her more than i do right now... and shes not here, and that hurts more than anyone could understand.... 


i hate this i really do... nothing is the same anymore, if it was up to me, i'd never leave my house again.... it takes every piece of me to get up and go... i really dont even want to go out to hang out with people, i hate everything that has to deal with being happy..... and the mothers day stuff at work just kills me.... how could it be that we have to give my mom a head stone for mothers day? its not right... and its not fair... its been 11 weeks since i've seen her... wednesday and thursdays are the hardest days for me... i couldnt even help her... i was too late.... i dont even know if she was yelling for me... i dont know and i guess i'll never know... i know i could have helped her... she was always too concerned with all of us to worry about her self :(  time is not making this any better... its only making it worse.... b/c shes the one i would call and want to tell good news to... or tell her the "scoop" on whats going on.... i dont even care anymore i really dont. like everything is still where she left it or put it... everything about this house is her... but it doesnt feel the same... when i walk in from work it doesnt smell like her cooking or all the candles she always had lite... it just sucks that i have to go to a cemetrey to talk to my mom and try to figure out what she would tell me to do or want me to do

i reallly dont get any of this... how could someone be here fine one day, she even made dinner and everything.... then go to bed and not get up.... there was no signs nothing.... its just not fair..... i just want her here... i act like i'm so strong... but i'm not... i'm not at all....  i donno, i just always saw myself as being the one who took care of their parents as they got older, i mean i can still do that with my dad and i love him so much... but i wanted so much to take care of my mom like she did for my grandma, and i used to joke around with her all the time about it too.

i donno i guess i just needed to vent, it gets too awkward for me to call people to telll them things... then if they say the wrong thing i'll just lose it even tho i know they are trying to help, but nothing could make me feel any better :(

Mamma you gave life to me 
Turned a baby into a lady 
And mamma all you had to offer 
Was a promise of a lifetime of love 
Now I know there is no other love like a mother's 
Love for her child 
I know that love so complete someday must leave 
Must say goodbye 

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear 
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near 
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry 
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye 

Mamma you gave love to me 
Turned a young one into a woman 
And mamma all I ever needed 
Was a guarantee of you loving me 
'Cause I know there is no other love like a mother's 
Love for her child 
And it hurts so that something so strong 
someday'll be gone 
Must say goodbye 

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear 
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near 
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry 
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye 

But the love you give will always live 
You'll always be there every time I fall 
You are to me the greatest love of all 
You take my weakness and you make me strong 
And I will always love you till forever comes 

And when you need me 
I'll be there for you always 
I'll be there your whole life through 
I'll be there this I promise you mamma 
I'll be your beacon through the darkest night 
I'll be the wings that guide your broken flight 
I'll be your shelter through the raging storm 
And I will love you till forever comes 

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear 
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near 
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry 
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye 
Till we meet again until then goodbye. 
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here it goes... [Jan. 25th, 2008|02:25 am]
Kristine
[mood |sadsad]

well i never thought i was be saying this... but my mom passed away early thursday morning... she had a heart attack in her sleep..  I dont even know what to say or do... you always hear about things like this happening to other people... but it's never supposed to be you... my mom was the glue that held this family together... she was light at the end of my tunel... she was and will always be my best friend... if i ever had a problem or an issue she was there for me and knew excatly what to say,,, i'm really gonna miss her :(

RIP Mom 10-11-1958---01-24-2008 
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happy new year! [Jan. 1st, 2008|01:29 pm]
Kristine
[mood |hopefulhopeful]

so I have completely forgotten about live journal, i was just going through somethings and saw the link i was like, "omg" lol


so it's a new year, which means a new start....i really intend on making this an awesome year... however, it already started the same way 2007 did... with a phone call from hallmark and me still stuck in the same place... i cant move on and i dont know why.

but on an extremely bright note, amylynn and dan got engaged! i'm so excited.... esp. for the bachorette party... hollllllllllllllller lol


so... nothing is really new... same old... i ended up not going to school this past semester.. but i'm going back in the spring... i  can not wait i know i'm gonna be kicking my self in a few weeks for being excited but whatever lol

alrightly i hope everyone (or if anyone still reads this) has a GREAT NEW YEAR!

heres to  A GREAT 2008!!! 
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