?

Log in

No account? Create an account
i dont even know why i'm updating this thing.... im just trying so… - All Mixed Up [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Kristine

[ website | My Web Page ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

[Apr. 9th, 2008|09:28 pm]
Kristine
[mood |crushedcrushed]
[music |goodbye \- celine dion]

i dont even know why i'm updating this thing.... im just trying so hard to act like everything is fine and normal because i know how it is, people get sick of being around someone who is upset or talkin about the same thing all the time.... and i'm trying to hard to be happy.... but i'm the farest thing from being happy... i really dont think i'll ever be truely happy again, and i really dont want to hear that my "mom would want me to be happy" no your wrong, my mom would want to be here.... not many people could even begin to understand the relationship i had with my mom, she wasnt a mom to me, she was so much more, she was my best friend, the only person who would still loved me for me... no matter how bad things got or how badly i messed up.... she was there telling me everything would be fine and that "better days are coming kris you'll see"....if i was upset or needed advice... .she was there telling me what i had to do to feel better, and i always told her she was wrong but she was always right and she knew it and would laugh at me later.... but i never have needed her more than i do right now... and shes not here, and that hurts more than anyone could understand.... 


i hate this i really do... nothing is the same anymore, if it was up to me, i'd never leave my house again.... it takes every piece of me to get up and go... i really dont even want to go out to hang out with people, i hate everything that has to deal with being happy..... and the mothers day stuff at work just kills me.... how could it be that we have to give my mom a head stone for mothers day? its not right... and its not fair... its been 11 weeks since i've seen her... wednesday and thursdays are the hardest days for me... i couldnt even help her... i was too late.... i dont even know if she was yelling for me... i dont know and i guess i'll never know... i know i could have helped her... she was always too concerned with all of us to worry about her self :(  time is not making this any better... its only making it worse.... b/c shes the one i would call and want to tell good news to... or tell her the "scoop" on whats going on.... i dont even care anymore i really dont. like everything is still where she left it or put it... everything about this house is her... but it doesnt feel the same... when i walk in from work it doesnt smell like her cooking or all the candles she always had lite... it just sucks that i have to go to a cemetrey to talk to my mom and try to figure out what she would tell me to do or want me to do

i reallly dont get any of this... how could someone be here fine one day, she even made dinner and everything.... then go to bed and not get up.... there was no signs nothing.... its just not fair..... i just want her here... i act like i'm so strong... but i'm not... i'm not at all....  i donno, i just always saw myself as being the one who took care of their parents as they got older, i mean i can still do that with my dad and i love him so much... but i wanted so much to take care of my mom like she did for my grandma, and i used to joke around with her all the time about it too.

i donno i guess i just needed to vent, it gets too awkward for me to call people to telll them things... then if they say the wrong thing i'll just lose it even tho i know they are trying to help, but nothing could make me feel any better :(

Mamma you gave life to me 
Turned a baby into a lady 
And mamma all you had to offer 
Was a promise of a lifetime of love 
Now I know there is no other love like a mother's 
Love for her child 
I know that love so complete someday must leave 
Must say goodbye 

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear 
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near 
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry 
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye 

Mamma you gave love to me 
Turned a young one into a woman 
And mamma all I ever needed 
Was a guarantee of you loving me 
'Cause I know there is no other love like a mother's 
Love for her child 
And it hurts so that something so strong 
someday'll be gone 
Must say goodbye 

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear 
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near 
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry 
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye 

But the love you give will always live 
You'll always be there every time I fall 
You are to me the greatest love of all 
You take my weakness and you make me strong 
And I will always love you till forever comes 

And when you need me 
I'll be there for you always 
I'll be there your whole life through 
I'll be there this I promise you mamma 
I'll be your beacon through the darkest night 
I'll be the wings that guide your broken flight 
I'll be your shelter through the raging storm 
And I will love you till forever comes 

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear 
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near 
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry 
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye 
Till we meet again until then goodbye. 
linkReply