||[Jun. 9th, 2008|11:33 pm]
i used to think i had life all figured out.... i knew where i was, who i was, and where i wanted to go and how to get there.... but my life stopped when my mom died.... i dont know anything anymore, i have no idea who i am, i dont know where i want to be, and i have no idea how to get anywhere.... i go on each day and act like nothing happened, but it did and thats a reality, it's my reality.... i was laying in bed and kept playing those last 2 days in my head.... and all the signs where there that she was having a heart attack... and what did i do? nothing... i watched her do everything and didn't even help her... i even made her take me to the dr. on the last day of her life.... and i feel so gulity because she was the only one that needed to be at the dr, not me and we were right there, i wish she would have said something.... i keep hearing jessica screaming for me... my mom's alarming going off... the 911 operators voice... my dad's voice when i told him.... the way jen screamed when i told her... i hear the beeping of the phone being off the hook....i can still see her every where i go....every time i close my eyes.... i can see the cop running up the stairs.... the way she was.... the way we all watched by helplessly.... i can see the medical examiner sitting at the kitchen table asking us questions... the crime scene people taking pictures of my house and mom.... no one could ever understand what we have been though the past 4 and 1/2 months..... she was everything, she was the glue that held my family together.... that held me together.... i've tired so hard to be so strong.... but everything i just broke.... and i can't deal anymore... i'm not happy and i can't keep acting like i am.... every day has only gotten harder and i miss her more and more...she was my mom and my best friend.... not too many people could say that about their mom... she was always there for me.... and now when i need her more than ever it's hard to except that she's gone.'
i really can't hear about peoples pety problems anymore... i have enough to worry about... i'm still trying to figure out how to balance my own life without worrying about everyone else... i need to stop, bc i always drop everything for everyone and like my mom ALWAYS told me "krissy where are they when you need them?" and she was always right and i knew that... people who say they are my friend are usually only my friend when it's to their benifit.... once they are gone or doing their own thing... its quickly how fast they can forget... i dont even feel like going out anymore... i'm tired of running.... everytime i sit down i just pass out... and i wanna do it sleep because as silly as it sounds.... when my sleeping i have more of a chance of seeing my mom then when i'm awake
this whole thing has always been my biggest fear... losing someone i love... well what do you do when your biggest fear happens? i guess i shouldn't be afaid of anything anymore... right? well, then why have i never been so afaid in my life?
i'm not sure why i'm even writing in this thing... i guess i just figured it helped me through a really bad part of my life before... maybe it will help me a litle now... who knows
i gotta try to get some sleep nite...